2014-03-26 / Editorial

WATCH OUT FOR THOSE SUIS AND SPUIS

Jim Shumard

It is clear to me that politicians have never attended contentious church meetings or served on contentious church board meetings. How else could they have passed a law that allows people to wear their guns to such meetings?

I remember attending my first vestry meeting in my 20s and being shocked that all these “grandfather-type” persons were acting like disagreeable children. No, I think it wise that not only should they check their guns in at the door, but all other potential weapons as well.

Speaking of checking your guns in at the door, guess who the most likely target would be in church? The one wearing the most elaborate robe and talking the most. That would be preachers like me. I can just hear it now. The officer asks as he writes a SPUI ticket (Shooting Preachers while Under the Influence), “Why did you shoot the preacher?” “Well sir, her sermons were so long and boring and they were just killing me and I thought I would return the favor.” Oh yes if parishioners start wearing their guns to church, I have a feeling that preachers’ sermons will be much shorter and there will be no more yelling and screaming from the pulpit. By the way is it against the law to wear a gun to church? I, in fact, have blessed the guns of law enforcement people in church. Hmm. Maybe I should have arrested them after blessing them.

“Sir I’m sorry but I am going to have to arrest you.”

“What for?” cried the drunken person. “And why are you writing me a ticket?”

“I am giving you an SUI – Shooting while Under the Influence. You simply cannot practice target shooting inside that bar. You took out three TVs and a bottle of 12-year-old Scotch and gave a man a pierced ear.”

No I am not in favor of having people carry guns inside a church or a bar. Both places are supposed to be places to meet people and have an enjoyable time, but sometimes they become places where arguments escalate and tempers flare and sometimes adults act like children.

Let’s wear our guns to the library, bank (I assume it is already legal to wear your gun into a bank though that seems a bit odd), grocery store, pharmacy, doctor’s office (that might shorten our wait time), DFCS, fast food restaurants and to sports events…well maybe not sports events.

We probably should not wear them while driving either. You know how angry you can get at that person who took your parking space.

For what it’s worth.

Dr. Jim+

P.S. Be careful of criticizing your preacher’s sermons. You never know if a preacher may be packing under those robes.

Rev. Shumard is rector of St. Michael’s Episcopal Church in Waynesboro. You may contact him at jshumie@aol.com or at stmichaelswaynesboro.org.

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